30 Days, 1 Million Nights

Today marks my 30th day sober! I couldn't be more proud of myself, grateful to my family and friends, and excited to start this "never ending" journey. Although that's a terrifying way of putting it, there's a sense of comfort knowing that this is something I will battle with forever. And that's okay.

"Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change."

This was, and still is hard for me. Not having control over things in my life, especially when I want nothing more than to be able to control it, is very difficult. Seeing and watching other people drink and drug with no drastic consequences to their life, all while learning and coming to the conclusion that I cannot, without putting myself and others in harms way, use substances or alcohol for the rest of my life, was such an incredibly long process. It has taken so many years to start accepting who I am as a person and accepting the things I cannot change, because I have no control over them. But switching my way of thinking from, this is what I HAVE to do (for others: family, friends, loved ones, etc.) to this is what I GET to do (for myself and only for myself), has made such a difference. I GET to be sober today. I GET to learn how to deal with this for the rest of my life. I GET to go to meetings. I GET to struggle some days. I GET to feel shitty sometimes. And I GET to be consistently happy on most others. This has made such a breakthrough in my experience in sobriety. That, the hard work I've put in, and all the people I've surrounded myself with over the last month is the only reason I made it this far, and will continue to conquer this journey.

So, "30 days, 1 million nights". Someone said this to me this morning when she handed me my 30 day chip, and WOW did this hit home. I think for most of us, for sure for myself, days can be "easy"... but most nights, when you're home alone, only you, yourself, and your thoughts; that's where shit can hit the fan. For myself personally, I can be so hard on myself at night. I can get so lonely and think that I'm just an awful person because of all of my past mistakes and the harm that I've brought to the lives of the people I love/loved so dearly. I think "wow how could anyone love me, how can I love myself?". Sure, THEY forgave me in a heartbeat. Why? I honestly couldn't tell you. Maybe it's because most people could see the good in myself, even though I couldn't. Maybe most people could just love me while I learned to love myself. But that doesn't mean I ever forgave myself. I used to hold onto so much. I'm still in the process of learning to let go and make amends, but since I've stopped adding problems and mistakes to my life for 30 days, I have a lot less problems and mistakes to worry about now that I'm letting go of some without adding more!

Now I love "30 days, 1 million nights" because that is exactly what this has felt like. Especially in the beginning, every night I would torture myself. And as I got closer to 30 days it got better and better. Now, I do still have some bad nights, but knowing that I GET to wake up tomorrow, see familiar faces in all of my meetings, hang out with my Family of Fuck-ups, stay sober, and work on myself and my mental health... I look at life through a completely different lens than I did a month ago.

I know now, I am not alone. I never was. So please don't be a stranger, give me a call, text, or email. You're not alone and you don't have to be!